Wednesday 20 January 2010

Secrets of the Phallus: Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That?

If you?ve ever had a good, long look at the human phallus, whether yours or someone else?s, you?ve probably scratched your head over such a peculiarly shaped device. Let?s face it?it?s not the most intuitively shaped appendage in all of evolution. But according to evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup of the State University of New York at Albany, the human penis is actually an impressive ?tool? in the truest sense of the word, one manufactured by nature over hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution. You may be surprised to discover just how highly specialized a tool it is. Furthermore, you?d be amazed at what its appearance can tell us about the nature of our sexuality.

The curious thing about the evolution of the human penis is that, for something that differs so obviously in shape and size from that of our closest living relatives, only in the past few years have researchers begun to study it in any detail. The reason for this neglect isn?t clear, though the most probable reason is because of its intrinsic snicker factor or, related to this, the likelihood of its stirring up uncomfortable puritanical sentiments. It takes a special type of psychological scientist to tell the little old lady sitting next to him on a flight to Denver that he studies how people use their penises when she asks what he does for a living. But I think labeling it as a ?crude? or ?disgusting? area of study reveals more about the critic than it does the researcher. And if you think there?s only one way to use your penis, that it?s merely an instrument of internal fertilization that doesn?t require further thought, or that size doesn?t matter, well, that just goes to show how much you can learn from Gallup?s research findings.

Gallup?s approach to studying the design of the human penis is a perfect example of of ?reverse-engineering? as it?s used in the field of evolutionary psychology. This is a logico-deductive investigative technique for uncovering the adaptive purpose or function of existing (or ?extant?) physical traits, psychological processes, or cognitive biases. That is to say, if you start with what you see today?in this case, the oddly shaped penis, with its bulbous glans (the ?head? in common parlance), its long, rigid shaft, and the coronal ridge that forms a sort of umbrella-lip between these two parts?and work your way backward regarding how it came to look like that, the reverse-engineer is able to posit a set of function-based hypotheses derived from evolutionary theory. In the present case, we?re talking about penises, but the logic of reverse-engineering can be applied to just about anything organic, from the shape of our incisors, to the opposability of our thumbs, to the arch of our eyebrows. For the evolutionary psychologist, the pressing questions are, essentially, ?why is it like that?? and ?what is that for?? The answer isn?t always that it?s a biological adaptation?that it solved some evolutionary problem and therefore gave our ancestors a competitive edge in terms of their reproductive success. Sometimes a trait is just a ?by-product? of other adaptations. Blood isn?t red, for example, because red worked better than green or yellow or blue, but only because it contains the red hemoglobin protein, which happens to be an excellent transporter of oxygen and carbon dioxide. But in the case of the human penis, it appears there?s a genuine adaptive reason that it looks the way it does.

If one were to examine the penis objectively?please don?t do this in a public place or without the other person?s permission?and compare the shape of this organ to the same organ in other species, they?d notice the following uniquely human characteristics. First, despite variation in size between individuals, the erect human penis is especially large compared to that of other primates, measuring on average between five and six inches in length and averaging about five inches in circumference. (Often in this column I?ll relate the science at hand to my own experiences, but perhaps this particular piece is best written without my normally generous use of anecdotes.) Even the most well-endowed chimpanzee, the species that is our closest living relative, doesn?t come anywhere near this. Rather, even after correcting for overall mass and body size, their penises are about half the size of human penises in both length and circumference. I?m afraid that I?m a more reliable source on this than most. Having spent the first five years of my academic life studying great ape social cognition, I?ve seen more simian penises than I care to mention. I once spent a summer with a 450-pound silverback gorilla that was hung like a wasp (great guy, though) and baby-sat a lascivious young orangutan that liked to insert his penis in just about anything with a hole, which unfortunately one day included my ear.

In addition, only our species has such a distinctive mushroom-capped glans, which is connected to the shaft by a thin tissue of frenulum (the delicate tab of skin just beneath the urethra). Chimpanzees, gorillas and orangutans have a much less extravagant phallic design, more or less all shaft. It turns out that one of the most significant features of the human penis isn?t so much the glans per se, but rather the coronal ridge it forms underneath. The diameter of the glans where it meets the shaft is wider than the shaft itself. This results in the coronal ridge that runs around the circumference of the shaft?something Gallup, by using the logic of reverse-engineering, believed might be an important evolutionary clue to the origins of the strange sight of the human penis.

Now, the irony doesn?t escape me. But in spite of the fact that this particular evolutionary psychologist (yours truly) is gay, for the purposes of research we must consider the evolution of the human penis in relation to the human vagina. Magnetic imaging studies of heterosexual couples having sex reveal that, during coitus, the typical penis completely expands and occupies the vaginal tract, and with full penetration can even reach the woman?s cervix and lift her uterus. This combined with the fact that human ejaculate is expelled with great force and considerable distance (up to two feet if not contained), suggests that men are designed to release sperm into the uppermost portion of the vagina possible. Thus, in a theoretical paper published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology in 2004, Gallup and coauthor, Rebecca Burch, conjecture that, ?A longer penis would not only have been an advantage for leaving semen in a less accessible part of the vagina, but by filling and expanding the vagina it also would aid and abet the displacement of semen left by other males as a means of maximizing the likelihood of paternity.?


This ?semen displacement theory? is the most intriguing part of Gallup?s story. We may prefer to regard our species as being blissfully monogamous, but the truth is that, historically, at least some degree of fooling around has been our modus operandi for at least as long we?ve been on two legs. Since sperm cells can survive in a woman?s cervical mucus for up to several days, this means that if she has more than one male sexual partner over this period of time, say within 48 hours, then the sperm of these two men are competing for reproductive access to her ovum. According to Gallup and Burch, ?examples include, group sex, gang rape, promiscuity, prostitution, and resident male insistence on sex in response to suspected infidelity.? The authors also cite the well-documented cases of human heteroparity, where ?fraternal twins? are in fact sired by two different fathers who had sex with the mother within close succession to each other, as evidence of such sexual inclinations.

So how did natural selection equip men to solve the adaptive problem of other men impregnating their sexual partners? The answer, according to Gallup, is their penises were sculpted in such a way that the organ would effectively displace the semen of competitors from their partner?s vagina, a well-synchronized effect facilitated by the ?upsuck? of thrusting during intercourse. Specifically, the coronal ridge offers a special removal service by expunging foreign sperm. According to this analysis, the effect of thrusting would be to draw other men?s sperm away from the cervix and back around the glans, thus ?scooping out? the semen deposited by a sexual rival.

You might think that?s fine and dandy, but one couldn?t possibly prove such a thing. But you?d be underestimating Gallup, who in addition to being a brilliant evolutionary theorist, happens also to be a very talented experimental researcher (among other things, he?s also well-known for developing the famous mirror self-recognition test for use with chimpanzees back in the early 1970s). In a series of studies published in a 2003 issue of the journal Evolution & Human Behavior, Gallup and a team of his students put the ?semen displacement hypothesis? to the test using artificial genitalia of different shapes and sizes. They even concocted several batches of realistic seminal fluid. Findings from the study may not have ?proved? the semen displacement hypothesis, but it certainly confirmed its principal points and made a believer out of most readers.

Here?s how the basic study design worked. (And perhaps I ought to preempt the usual refrain by pointing out firstly that, yes, Gallup and his co-authors did receive full ethical approval from their university to conduct this study.) The researchers selected several sets of prosthetic genitals from erotic novelty stores, including a realistic latex vagina sold as a masturbation pal for lonely straight men and tied off at one end to prevent leakage, and three artificial phalluses. The first latex phallus was 6.1 inches long and 1.3 inches in diameter with a coronal ridge extending approximately 0.20 inch from the shaft. The second phallus was the same length, but its coronal ridge extended only 0.12 inch from the shaft. Finally, the third phallus matched the other two in length, but lacked a coronal ridge entirely. In other words, whereas the first two phalluses closely resembled an actual human penis, varying only in the coronal ridge properties, the third (the control phallus) was the bland and headless horseman of the bunch.

Next, the authors borrowed a recipe for simulated semen from another evolutionary psychologist, Todd Shackleford from Florida Atlantic University, and created several batches of seminal fluid. The recipe ?consisted of 0.08 cups of sifted, white, unbleached flour mixed with 1.06 cups of water. This mixture was brought to a boil, simmered for 15 minutes while being stirred, and allowed to cool.? In a controlled series of ?displacement trials,? the vagina was then loaded with semen, the phalluses were inserted at varying depths (to simulate thrusting) and removed, whereupon the latex orifice was examined to determine how much semen had been displaced from it. As predicted, the two phalluses with the coronal ridges displaced significantly more semen from the vagina (each removed 91 percent) than the ?headless? control (35.3 percent). Additionally, the further that the phalluses were inserted?that is to say, the deeper the thrust?the more semen was displaced. When the phallus with the more impressive coronal ridge was inserted three fourths of the way into the vagina, it removed only a third of the semen, whereas it removed nearly all of the semen when inserted completely. Shallow thrusting, simulated by the researchers inserting the artificial phallus halfway or less into the artificial vagina, failed to displace any semen at all. So if you want advice that?ll give you a leg up in the evolutionary arms race, don?t go West, young man?go deep.

In the second part of their study published in Evolution & Human Behavior, Gallup administered a series of survey questions to college-age students about their sexual history. These questions were meant to determine whether penile behavior (my term, not theirs) could be predicted based on the men?s suspicion of infidelity in their partners. In the first of these anonymous questionnaires, both men and women reported that, in the wake of allegations of female cheating, men thrust deeper and faster. Results from a second questionnaire revealed that, upon first being sexually reunited after time apart, couples engaged in more vigorous sex?namely, compared to baseline sexual activity where couples see other more regularly, vaginal intercourse following periods of separation involve deeper and quicker thrusting. Hopefully you?re thinking as an evolutionary psychologist at this point and can infer what these survey data mean: by using their penises proficiently as a semen displacement device, men are subconsciously (in some cases consciously) combating the possibility that their partners have had sex with another man in their absence. The really beautiful thing about evolutionary psychology is that you don?t have to believe it?s true for it to work precisely this way. Natural selection doesn?t much mind if you favor an alternative explanation for why you get so randy upon being reunited with your partner. Your penis will go about its business of displacing sperm regardless.

There are many other related hypotheses that can be derived from the semen displacement theory. In their 2004 Evolutionary Psychology piece, for example, Gallup and Burch expound on a number of fascinating spin-off ideas. For example, one obvious criticism of the semen displacement theory is that men would essentially disadvantage their own reproductive success by removing their own sperm cells from their sexual partner. However, in your own sex life, you?ve probably noticed the ?refractory period? immediately following ejaculation, during which males almost instantly lose their tumescence (the erection deflates to half its full size within 1 min of ejaculating), their penises become rather hypersensitive and further thrusting even turns somewhat unpleasant. In fact, for anywhere between 30 minutes to 24 hours, men are rendered temporarily impotent following ejaculation. According to Gallup and Burch, these post-ejaculatory features, in addition to the common ?sedation? effect of orgasm, may be adaptations to the problem of ?self-semen displacement.?

Gallup and Burch also leave us with a very intriguing hypothetical question. ?Is it possible (short of artificial insemination),? they ask, ?for a woman to become pregnant by a man she never had sex with? We think the answer is ?yes.?? It?s a tricky run to wrap your head around, but basically Gallup and Birch say that semen displacement theory predicts that this is possible in the following way. I?ve taken the liberty of editing this for clarity. Also note that the scenario is especially relevant to uncircumcised men.

If ?Josh? were to have sex with ?Kate? who recently had sex with ?Mike,? in the process of thrusting his penis back and forth in her vagina, some of Mike?s semen would be forced under Josh?s frenulum, collect behind his coronal ridge, and displaced from the area proximate to the cervix. After Josh ejaculates and substitutes his semen for that of the other male, as he withdraws from the vagina some of Mike?s semen will still be present on the shaft of his penis and behind his coronal ridge. As his erection subsides the glans will withdraw under the foreskin, raising the possibility that some of Mike?s semen could be captured underneath the foreskin and behind the coronal ridge in the process. Were Josh to then have sex with ?Amy? several hours later, it is possible that some of the displaced semen from Mike would still be present under his foreskin and thus may be unwittingly transmitted to Amy who, in turn, could then be impregnated by Mike?s sperm.

Friday 1 January 2010

Recovering from Rape: Healing Your Sexuality

Introduction

Many women find that they need time to heal and recover following a sexual assault. You may be wondering about your future sexual relations - Should you tell your partner? Will you be too tense to respond? Will you be permanently affected by the rape? Should you avoid sex altogether? Should you just go ahead and pretend nothing happened?

Recovering from a sexual assault is an ongoing process that occurs over time. In this pamphlet we offer many suggestions for dealing with the sexual part of your life during this recovery period. Some approaches will be more helpful depending on your background and life situation. We urge you to experiment with some of these ideas. There is not a "right way" for handling sexual relations following an assault - see what feels safe and comfortable for you.

Feeling "safe" and "comfortable" are important guidelines for your sexual activity. After a sexual assault, many women are fearful and confused during sex. They may feel out of control like they did during the rape. Sex can become unpleasant and frightening. Healing happens most quickly when women are careful to avoid stressful sexual situations, and choose sexual activities that feel comfortable. You are the only one who can know and choose. We recommend many of the suggestions that we have included here as ingredients for a healthy sexual relationship: rape or no rape. Communicating, making choices about sexual activities, being assertive, and taking time to go slowly contribute to a satisfying sexual experience. As a result of the sexual assault you may want to become more assertive, or be more open about your feelings than you were in the past. You may find that you want to avoid certain sexual situations that really weren't so great in the first place. In taking care of yourself in the sexual arena, you may find that you make changes that you will want to incorporate permanently.

Dating and New Relationships

It is common to feel hesitant about resuming dating and socializing following a rape. There is no need to force yourself into accepting dates too quickly. It may be more helpful to seek the company of close friends for social activities for a while. The delay may help alleviate some of your discomfort. Sometimes the very nature of dating with its potential for intimacy can be frightening, and there are a number of things you can do to decrease your anxiety:



Taking control of planning the time you spend with someone.

Think about what you want in order to feel safe, and make sure every date includes those elements. For instance, arrange only double dates with a trusted friend accompanying you, or only daytime dates or dates to public events. Don't be alone with the person unless it feels absolutely right. Your desire for this kind of structure will subside over time.

Making decisions that help you feel secure.

Decisions that you made about dating in the past may not be right for you now. Since the assault, you may feel afraid to do what was easy or natural on a date before. If you feel scared or nervous about any aspect of the date, then this activity is something you shouldn't do now: it is a limit for you. It won't always be a limit. When you decide to change what you do, take small steps.
Trust your feelings to help you in setting limits, and don't criticize yourself for needing this extra care. Limits might include: deciding beforehand what time to be home; how much physical intimacy, if any, to allow; whether or not you will use any alcohol or drugs. These are all things that can be decided beforehand, or decided during the date. A way to discover what will feel safe is to close your eyes and imagine what a comfortable, secure date would include.

Offering alternatives as your way of showing interest.

If your date suggests an activity you are not comfortable with, decline by suggesting an alternative: "No, I don't want to go have a beer tonight, how about getting together tomorrow afternoon for coffee?" or "No, I don't want to go to your apartment for dinner, let's go to a restaurant." It may help to rehearse with a supportive friend so you feel more comfortable delivering these lines.

Explaining only if you want to.

In a new or casual relationship you may choose to say nothing about the rape, or you may simply say you've had something upsetting happen and you're not ready to talk about it. Your desire to set limits is healthy, and there is no need to make excuses for yourself or your behavior.
As the relationship progresses toward more intimacy, you may feel the need to talk about the sexual assault. The information in the section titled "How To Talk To Your Sexual Partner" deals with this issue. Over time, you may realize you are selecting dates whom you feel very safe with, but whom you are not attracted to. Or you may not be having satisfying intimate relationships with those you are attracted to. If you realize this, you may want to seek counseling.

How To Talk To Your Sexual Partner

Because of the reactions you may have after being sexually assaulted, your desire and ability to be sexual may be affected. It is important that you feel control over the amount and kind of sexual contact that you have. This control can be established by talking to your partner about your feelings, providing your partner is willing to listen and respect you. If you haven't talked to your partner about sex before, it may seem difficult to start, or you may even feel angry or fearful about having to talk about it at all. Some women choose not to talk to their partner about the assault or sex. This choice is alright if it does not interfere with your recovery from the assault. However, in most cases, it is important to try to take some steps toward communicating even if it's hard to do. Below are listed some common reactions with specific suggestions on how to talk to your partner. You may find that your comfort level changes - one day you may want to have sex and the next day hugging may feel threatening. Or you may want to stick to suggestions under #1 and #2 for several months. We suggest that you observe and honor your feelings. All of these responses are perfectly normal.



You don't want any physical contact.

Tell your partner about these feelings and suggest other ways to be together that show caring (i.e., cooking meals, taking walks, going to movies, etc.). You may want to spend time talking to your partner about what is bothering you, and what you feel good about from day to day. Emphasize verbal contact.

You don't want sexual contact, but do want other forms of physical contact.

Tell your partner about these feelings and suggest other ways to be physical: "I'm not feeling like having sex these days, but I would like to have physical contact with you. What I feel comfortable with are massages, hugs, kisses, holding hands, and sitting close to you when we are watching TV or reading on the couch. I will initiate some of these activities and want you to initiate too."
It is sometimes helpful to actually set up times for touching, and to set a clear ground rule of no breast or genital touching even if either person is sexually aroused.
Other specific activities may include taking a bath together and taking turns washing each other, cuddling under the covers and gently stroking each other, choosing a warm and comfortable room in the house and taking turns touching each other (excluding breasts and genitals), exchanging massages (try some oil or talcum powder) whether deep muscle or light and soothing. Don't forget your favorite music or candles, and pay attention to how it feels to touch and be touched without the pressure to be sexual.

You are open to sexual contact but are cautious because you don't know what your reactions will be. Certain behaviors, touches, looks, and smells may trigger fear, anxiety, and/or flashbacks (memories of the assault).

Stop the sexual activity at any time. It is particularly important to stop when you feel anxious, panicked, or scared. It's OK to know your limits and act on them. Some couples set up a signal system - a squeeze on the right shoulder means "stop now, I'm scared."
Before beginning any sexual activity, you may want to say to your partner: "Lots of times I'm not sure how I'm going to react during sex, so I may want to stop even after we've started. I'll try to tell you what I want instead, like different kinds of touching or a different position."
Pay attention to what triggers your feelings and suggest other activities: "When you lie on top of me I feel scared and have flashbacks, and I'd like to lie side by side when we hug." Don't put any pressure on yourself to perform sexually.
If there is any physical discomfort as a result of sexual contact, do not hesitate to get a medical examination.

You are open to sexual contact and don't have anxiety reactions to specific activities, but you become aware of previous sexual issues that you have ignored or avoided (i.e. lack of orgasm, painful intercourse, lack of desire, previous sexual abuse, etc.)

Tell your partner as much as you know about your feelings and what you want to change, if anything.
Seek help from a therapist who specializes in working with sexual problems. The therapist can help you talk to each other, as talking can be embarrassing and difficult.

These suggestions require that your partner respects your wishes and stops when you say stop or stays within certain limits that you want. If you feel that your partner cannot do this without resentment or pressure, we recommend that you first deal with trust and respect in your relationship.

Information For Your Partner

When you learn that your partner has been raped, you will experience many feelings. It is common to feel extreme anger and a desire for revenge towards the rapist. You may feel very protective in the weeks following the rape and become angry with anyone who disturbs your partner's sense of well-being. Your partner is likely to go through a wide variety of reactions that may cause you to be confused or to feel inadequate when you think about how to help.

One of the most sensitive issues you will face with your partner is how and when to reinitiate sexual contact. It is usually helpful to simply begin to talk to her about how she feels. Expect a broad range of feelings and responses. She may feel uninterested in sex or angry about any expectations you may have; angry at men in general, including you if you are a man; confused and anxious when you discuss the subject; or she may be open and interested in re-establishing contact. Whatever her response, make an effort to listen to her feelings and to understand them.

Once you understand your partner's feelings, do your best to comply with any requests she makes that allow her to feel safe and supported by you. She may interrupt lovemaking if she has unexpected feelings of fear and anxiety. Stop any contact immediately if she requests it. Emphasize the type of sexual and non-sexual touching that allows her to relax. As a general rule, if your partner shows sexual interest, continue to initiate contact even if some sexual activities need to stop for a while.

If your partner is not open to sexual contact with you, understand that this is a normal response and not a total rejection of you. She is recovering from a violent and intrusive act that has temporarily disrupted all her normal response patterns, including sexual desire. Do your best not to pressure her. You can find other outlets for your desires for awhile. This might include masturbation, or directing your energy into other areas of personal interest. Believe that your partner's sexual desire will return in time.

You may notice that you lose your sexual desire also. This is not unusual, and may be the result of the many thoughts and feelings that you are having. You may be fearful of hurting or scaring your partner. You may feel that somehow she is "dirty" or "contaminated." You may feel angry and suspicious about what she is telling you. Even though these feelings do not seem rational, they are common and can seriously affect your emotional and sexual relationship if they go on for long and are not talked about.

The good news is that these feelings can be talked about. If you are reluctant or scared to talk to your partner, talk to someone else as a first step. You will feel less confused and have a sense of relief if you talk to someone who knows about these feelings. You may find someone who can be of help by asking at a sexual assault center or calling a community crisis line.

You and your partner will recover from this difficult trauma, and are likely to resume normal sexual activity in time, though you may recover at different rates from one another. In the long run, you can look at this incident as an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer to each other and find new and lasting ways to express love and support.

Fantasies, Flashbacks and Orgasm

One of the frequent side effects of sexual assault is a flashback of the incident during sexual activity. Flashbacks are feelings, thoughts, or pictures that occur during sexual activity and bring up memories of the assault. Because these images are sometimes associated with positive sexual feelings in the present, you may feel confused and guilty. Gradually over time, these flashbacks can subside. Sometimes during sex it may be appropriate to stop the activity as the memories emerge, while at other times letting them pass without concentrating on them will help. You may find that just letting a flashback or memory be there without trying to make it disappear makes it lose its importance sooner than if you try to shut it out or pretend it isn't there.

Some women fantasize during sex about being out-of-control or being forced to have sex. Fantasies are images or scenes that produce enjoyable feelings. Many women have had rape fantasies before the assault happened. This does not mean that the woman wanted to be raped or wants to be raped again. Rape fantasies during sex can represent many things, but in fantasy, the person doing the fantasizing is totally in control of the content and the stopping and starting of the action, which is not the case in an actual sexual assault. The desire to be out-of-control in a fantasy is not a desire to be raped in real life.

Some women have had the experience of fear, disgust, and pain during the sexual assault, and also have experienced arousal or orgasm. If this happened to you, you may feel responsible for being raped or think that you must have invited the assault or you wouldn't have responded in this way. The sexual response of orgasm has been known to occur in extreme circumstances that threaten life. With fear and enough physical pressure, orgasm can automatically happen.

Even with this information, some women feel responsible for the assault and confused about their feelings. It is quite understandable that you feel reluctant to discuss your sexual reactions during or following the rape. We still live in a society which tends to blame the victim. Should you need additional assistance, look for agencies or individuals who are skilled both in sexuality counseling or sex therapy, and in sexual assault counseling.

Alcohol and Drugs

In the aftermath of a sexual assault, some women use alcohol or drugs in increasing quantities to help them feel sexual, get to sleep, or to block out flashbacks. Using drugs can become a part of their sexual routine. If you find that you are relying on drugs or alcohol to block your nervousness and anxiety, talk to an expert in alcohol and drug use. The problem will get worse without intervention. There are many other ways to handle the stresses following a sexual assault. The anxiety, fear and confusion that you are feeling will subside over time. Dependency on drugs or alcohol, however, can be a lifelong problem.

Is Seeing A Counselor A Good Idea?

You may have been considering seeing a counselor since the rape but are not sure if you really should. Below are some things that can happen after a rape. Some of these things can be positive life changes and make you stronger, while others may seem disturbing. If the ones that are distressing are interfering with your life, seeing a counselor can be very helpful. Also, your partner may want professional help or you both may want couples counseling.

Seeing a counselor does not mean that you are falling apart or are "mentally ill." Talking to a counselor just once can be helpful in understanding and dealing with how you are feeling. We do recommend that you talk to someone who counsels women who have been sexually assaulted, as not every therapist has these skills.

Possible Reactions Following A Rape


Weight gain or loss
Changes in eating or sleeping habits
Dressing differently than you did before the rape
Changes in your social habits (i.e. spending more time alone or with other people than you usually did before the rape)
Feeling guilty or responsible
Feeling out of control
Unexplained fear or anxiety
Feeling depressed or hopeless
Changes in your attitudes towards men
Frequent angry exchanges between you and your partner that did not exist before the rape
Fear of your partner
Remembering other situations when you felt afraid and/or powerless
Changes in your sexual responses (i.e. lack of desire, lack of orgasm, painful intercourse, etc.)
Inability to continue asexual experience due to anxiety or memories of the rape
Wanting to talk to someone about the rape and/or your feelings
Past memories of sexual assaults
Counseling Compensation in Washington State

In Washington State, you may be eligible for payment of your counseling fees through the Washington State Crime Victims Compensation Program. The only requirement is that you report the rape or attempted rape to your local police department within 72 hours, and apply to the Washington State program within one year. In other states check your local police department for similar compensation programs.

Authors

Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy, Education, and Research staff:

Christine Coe, B.S.
Deborah DeWolfe, M.S.P.H.
Michael Kelch, M.S.W, A.C.S.W.
Rae Larson, M.S., A.C.S.
Marilyn McIntyre, M.S.W.
Pamela Seaman, M.A.

Special thanks to Pacific Northwest Bell for their major contribution to printing costs.

Thanks also to the many individuals and organizations who provided assistance and financial support.

How to Pick a Sex Partner

WARNING: "The truth believed becomes a lie." This article is full of overgeneralizations; pay close attention to your actual experience and draw your own conclusions. Then practice changing your mind.

What's special about picking a sex partner in today's world that merits a rewrite of the rules?
Simply put, it is that the environment of dating and mating has changed so profoundly in the last half-century that the old rules give little guidance.

Myriad voices have been raised in advice; subcultures (and sub-subcultures) gather in various ecological niches, each developing its ethics. Although these subcultures lack consensus on many social issues, they are building new institutions to replace the vanished ones of the older society. There are many disagreements on which models of relationship to follow. This situation is ripe for misunderstanding and sometimes for exploitation. There are possibilities here also, however, for extraordinary relationships built on innovative models. What is needed between prospective partners is conscious awareness and honesty about which models are being employed.

If you are contemplating romance, love, or sex, it is helpful to understand three basic guidelines: 1) Know thyself; 2) If it seems too good to be true, it probably is; 3) Remember to have fun. The rules for long-term commitment add one more: 4) Invest wisely.

KNOW THYSELF

Women and men who maintain a false image of themselves are probably in for a bumpy ride when it comes to romance. Most of what appears to go on in the early phase of romance we humans make up in our heads. (There is an entire discussion on "creating our own reality" that is too long to include in this article.) Many people who crash and burn at the end of the romance could benefit from help with reality testing as a treatment for their vicious cycle of romance, shattered illusions, bitterness (too often accompanied by viciousness), and despair (too often accompanied by violence).

Individuals can learn to be honest with themselves about "what I really want," and to pay better attention to "what's going on outside of me." Giving up illusion is always painful, but the pain is briefer and the break into clarity so refreshing, people do learn to like it. Clarity can allow you to let go of a relationship that isn't working and sometimes to build a new, more reality-based one.

These moments of increased self-awareness in relationship can go on for a lifetime together. On the other hand, if fear conquers you, you can remain indefinitely in the victim/perpetrator role living in a grim world. Sometimes in long-term relationships partners take up information management habits that create a deceptive relationship with each other. They avoid talking about the subjects they have conflict over. One or the other of the partners can assume a lack of conflict is a good sign. What has really happened, however, is that the honesty has left the relationship, and with it, the real feeling of intimacy.

IF IT LOOKS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT IS

This time-hallowed business advice is also true in sex and romance, particularly in the modern, alienated age. A colleague of mine, pondering how she could protect herself from involvement with "sociopaths," first consciously applied this rule to sexual involvements.

Scientifically sociopathy, or psychopathy, is a human condition characterized by lack of emotional connection, i.e., empathy, for others. Successful psychopaths are the perfect dates. Their thinking uncluttered (by the common conflicting emotions between self-interest and the welfare of others), they often do perfect imitations of the ideal companion. They will tell you whatever you want to hear. They appear to share interests, values, experiences, life paths. Often they are extremely interested in you; too interested, too soon. If they appear to lack the annoying tendency of most people to be a mix of compatibilities and incompatibilities, that's because they are not real. They are con artists; they are most likely scooping up money, sex and/or power while showing you a good time.

Now all of us humans feel tempted to behave sociopathically in small ways. But most of us also care about others, particularly those close to us. With those people we yearn to be real, so we are honest ... and miracles do happen in intimacy.

It's a shame to have to counsel caution. Usually in the thrall of romance your chances of spotting a con are nil. If any of your friends or long-term acquaintances express reservations about the person you're involved with, think it over hard. Certainly don't hand out the key to your life before you know who this dreme-cum-tru is.

REMEMBER TO HAVE FUN

Sex, in its many manifestations, is a form of play. All truly creative expression, solo or with others, is play. Making music together, spinning beautiful webs, these are play. Whether by yourself, with one other, or in a community ritual, play transforms even actual jobs into dancing with energy.

Unfortunately, at least in the dominant culture, people turn sex into all sorts of other things: obligation, promise of commitment, payment for the new drapes. When you do those things, sex becomes work and the spirit dies a little each time. Having sex when you do not feel interested is like eating when you are not hungry; it's disgusting.

You can enhance your ability to be a playful sexual person. Sex, of course, is not the only place that playfulness is necessary; it is present in creating art or music. If you're seeking to become more playful, remember this: play happens in the present, work happens in the past and future. There is every reason, however, to work at developing your playing skills. Musicians practice, take lessons, work gigs so they can play music. The exquisite things the human mind is capable of all take practice, discipline, integrity. These are the gateways to play.

BEYOND ROMANCE: INVEST WISELY

Much of what has been discussed up to this point applies to the early (romance) stage of relationship. Successfully maintaining an erotic bond in a long-term relationship presents additional challenges. The erotic bond a couple has can be interrupted by childbirth, career, or any number of other stresses. Modern relationships often need to be self-renewing because old cultural support systems, e.g., the extended family, the church, the family doctor, no longer perform the function of renewal in people's lives. Furthermore, these older systems often solved the problem of erotic breakdown in committed relationships by making sex a marital duty. As the common stereotype suggests, far more women than men grapple with loss of desire. In a committed relationship, however, the reversal of that loss requires the investment of both partners.